I'm not quite here today

Today I woke up like any other day.

My phone alarm went off, I put it on snooze, and in another ten minute I awoke from what felt like a waking dream. I had a shower, got dressed, said goodbye to my mum, and then left.

But I feel like it wasn't me that left.

My brain, today, is trying not to comply to my thoughts. It is like I am lightheaded, by my head is heavy. My thought's are in it's own world, but I haven't quite left reality either. I am thinking and thinking, like I am constantly on a train track with no stops, a trail that is the length of forever.

But surely with all these thought's, my head should feel heavy, yet it feels as if it is scarcley there.

I had a fight last night with my mum, about college, not going to r.e. lessons, assuming I am bunking and 'not playing the game.'

Fight's or talks with my mum and dad lately seem to be only about college, what I want to do, grades, coursework. Sometimes I feel she does not understand, I know they have been to school and done the work, but this isn't their work, this is my work, and if I find it difficult to do it sometimes (as in actually not understanding, not not choosing to do it) well that's because that's who I am. I just might not be that academic, and that is not my fault, everyone is different.

I do try, and I know I have to try harder than others to prove I can do it, just like in secondary I had to work harder than most because my academic past is not exactly a good one. To get the GCSE grades I got I had to work my arse off. Now I have to do it again here. That's life I suppose.

Today was the first time I considered about moving out after college, my friend is looking for a job and when he does is saving up to buy an apartment in London. I thought about that and thinking maybe we could be room mates. But there is no point in it. Working at a retail shop isn't exactly going to pay for rent and food. I'd need a proper job.

I am not going to Uni either, the first out of all the new generation Hayes', such as my cousin's and my sister, not to. My twin brother is going. This is my choice, I need a break from education. I feel like I am slowly giving up even though I do not want to. But, it's not that I feel like a failure, but once again due to this choice I am going to have to work hard again to prove what I can do, and to show I do not need a degree to be a good worker and have talent's. I look at my uncle and my dad. Both did not go to Uni and see what they have accomplished because they worked for what they have. If I have that future who know's, if I'll be that lucky only I can accomplish that. But it seem's so hard, so difficult. Like trying to wash dry acrylic paint of your clothes, a stain that will never go away, difficult to wash off.

To those who read this I am not looking for pity, this is not a cry for help or attention. I believe we all feel these fears at time, and i just chose to talk about it

I look at my sister, and brother, both of whom know what to do, where they want to go and what they want to accomplish. They both have a dream, and in a sad way I envy them, not because they are moving forward, I do not mind moving backwards, sometimes it's the best thing to do because you don't exactly start again but you don't exactly finish either, but because they know what to do. I am stuck. I am the fly, the world is my web, and I will have to struggle to get out and start thinking.

I am scared. I am scared for this year and scared for everything else that I am going to have to accomplish in life, because I am worried that it will not be accomplished. I am just going to have to wait to see what the future holds.

Today...I woke up.